| r e a d i n g . . . |
[23 Mar 2005|11:10pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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P R I V A T E
We were supposed to be there. It's almost 11 PM at night and we were supposed to be there. Instead, the driver decided to make so many stops along the way that we've been extremely delayed. The driver seems like a nice, if not slightly uneducated man. He has actually tried to talk to me a bit, but I haven not elected to respond to him. To me, he's just another hearse driver, driving me to certain death, away from the only person I've ever cared about. And I am dead. I have been dead inside for a long time now- I've always known it in a way. The only thing that sustained that last breath of life in me was Akako... and now she's been ripped away from me too. I have nothing left... nothing.
I'm only half-way through that book I'm reading. The protagonist will probably have to leave her village soon- all of her neighbors have been driven away. It reminds me of myself in a way, though I'm obviously not being sent away due to religious or political differences; I'm being sent away because my parents can't stand the sight of their own son.
We're at yet another stop along the way. We should be at Kyoto in a few more hours, or so the driver says, but I am unsure whether or not to doubt him (especially with all the stops he keeps making). Well, it could be worse, I suppose. At least I'm free of my parents for once... or am I really? Will I still be subject to their silent rule- will I be subject to harsher, stricter rules at this boarding school? I have no way to know, but I am certain I will either have to comply or find a way around them.
I hope I get put into a single room. I purposely requested that I be placed with no other students if possible. All I need is some immature child boarding with me. I had to deal with enough of those at my last school on a daily basis- but at least my house was fairly empty with the exception of servants. If that is the case I will be spending most of my time at this school in the library when I am outside of class, I suppose.
Speaking of which, the library at this school should be fantastic- after all, it is a boarding school, which means it should be quite wealthy. If the library is poor I am not sure how I will live- I may seriously go mad. If not that, at least the art program had better be worthwhile; it is about the only thing I am even remotely looking forward to.
I guess I may seem like a bit of a recluse (isn't it obvious? No one even reads this thing- even Akako herself uses a personal diary and doesn't know about this page, as you can see by the utter lack of comments on all my entries), but it's really who I am. I hate nothing more than when people try to make me talk. It's totally frustrating, because I have such difficulty expressing anything. I prefer no contact, or action to speaking... I suppose I just hate communication. Maybe it's because I'm so used to living in that huge house all alone... with only the whispers of the servants and butlers and chauffeurs trailing behind me...
Well, speaking of which, I don't have much longer in this Internet Cafe we found along the way- so I should probably get back to the vehicle we drove here in- hopefully this Kamikura school isn't too much farther away- I could use some sleep... maybe I'll just sleep in the car if the ride takes any longer (it's almost 11:30 PM already...) We've been driving for a lot longer than we were supposed to. We were meant to be there by now I think; the driver definitely made far too many stops. I'm surprised he hasn't already been fired for this sort of behaviour.
Oh, he's at the window waiting for me. I have to really go I suppose... I'll post when I get the chance to- either another internet cafe or when I arrive at this new school... Ugh.
(and a quiz I did)
~ Sayonara
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| g o o d b y e . . . |
[22 Mar 2005|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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P R I V A T E
I made her cry. She didn't even try and hide it. I've never seen Akako cry before. Never. Not even when she had to deal with the most difficult things- when her parents were mistreating her, when teachers were jerks, when other students ostracized her... never did she shed a single tear. And yet- there she was, bawling like a small child infront of me, pulling me close to her. What hurt the most that it was my job to be brave. She told me "It's okay to cry". She also told me it was the natural thing to do, but I refused. Through our whole friendship she had been strong for both of us, always defending me... now it was my turn to be strong.
I only just said good-bye to her a short while ago. It's almost 10:00 at night now. That means I have to leave in less than half an hour to go to my new school... and my new "home". It's going to be a long ride. The trip will take all day and all night at least. I wanted to go by some kind of public transit, but even if there was some such thing, my parents hardly gave me the chance to look, as they sent one of their chauffeurs to "escort" me there.
I feel horrible. Why did I ever have to become friends with Akako? What did she do to deserve being hurt like this? Why haven't I any control over my life? Why couldn't I have just been indifferent to her? Is it her own fault for being so kind to me- for pursuing so close a friendship with me? Why is it that even though I always seem to have such good intentions everything is ruined in the end? I cannot create anything, because every time I do it just falls to pieces. Why does it hurt so much?...
Akako... gomen nasai... gomen...
I'm tearing up now. I'll stop- anyway, I have to go soon. I might not be able to post as much here anymore, because my parents won't let me take my laptop with (I don't know why! It's extremely frustrating...) So I'll have to use the lab at my new school (I assume rather confidently that they shall have one), or whatever kind of a computer I am provided with.
I can say, I am certainly not looking forward to this little "road trip". Nothing more interesting than riding in the back of a vehicle with an emotionless, robotic driver who has practically been programmed to say and do nothing except drive. Not that I could hold a conversation even with someone who worked for my parents anyway- the servants around my house sometimes try to talk to me- the younger ones, anyway, who are less afraid of being punished if they stray from their jobs. Quickly, though, they learn that I am almost impossible to carry a conversation on with.
Akako says I think too much. I wonder if I do... Anyway, I'll be taking this book- Cracking India with me. It's by Bapsi Sidhwa... I have no idea whether it is any good or not. It's about Gandhi and the rise of nationalism in India, or so I have heard... Anyway. I should really go now... it's a pity to leave this cold shell of a "home" I have lived in for so long.
My family is making me take a ridiculously large amount of possessions with.. but all I want to take are my books and art supplies. I think I'll try and sell or give away the rest of the stuff when I get there...
~ Sayonara
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| m o v i n g . . . |
[22 Mar 2005|04:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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melancholy |
] |
P R I V A T E
Well, everything is packed up. I didn't do any packing, of course. They would never let me pack; no, I can't do any manual labour, because that's work for the slaves- I mean servants (my family treats them like they might as well be slaves, they're underpaid and overworked). How I despise my family. I wish... I wish they would all just go away. Well, I guess that's what is happening. It's not like I ever see them anyway. They're never around, but I always have to obey their every last order. Their presence on me is even more frustrating than most children's, I think, because I don't get any satisfaction of interacting with them on a physical basis. Instead I get messages from afar, distanced communication. I can't communicate with people because of this, and it's quite frustrating.
Anyway, I'm leaving this pathetic excuse for a family at least. They've decided to get rid of me once and for all; not that they're ever home, so I hardly see what difference it makes. They tried to send me to some ridiculous boarding school, but I refused to go. Ok, so I didn't refuse to go, but I did tell Akako about it, and she threw a fit. She even stormed in on my dad's office, dragging me behind her by the nape of my shirt, and screamed at him until he agreed to compromise (how I love Akako!). As a result I'm going to some Arts boarding school.
I leave in a few hours for this new school... Akako is meant to say good-bye to me, but she's not here. I really hope she shows up, because I'm going to miss her so much. It's times like this when you really realized what you had- and how you're about to lose it. It really hurts me that I have to say good-bye to her, she was the only person who has ever cared about me before. The only person who tried to get to know me. When I first met her, she didn't even say anything about my stuttering and almost absolute silence. Over time, I have gotten to experience the true depths of her personality, and we have stood together through so much.
Now I am being asked to leave her- to leave my best- and only friend. This only makes me hate my parents even more. I don't know how to say good-bye to her. I don't know how to apologize, try and say that I'm sorry for my parent's decision. Sorry that I have let her down like this.
Well, the door bell just went, and I'm sure a servant will be getting it in a moment; it's probably Akako, so I should probably go. I'll try to be brave.
~ Sayonara.
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